1 00:00:02,071 --> 00:00:03,589 MY NAME IS NATHAN FIELDER. 2 00:00:03,693 --> 00:00:05,488 AND I GRADUATED FROM ONE OF CANADA'S TOP BUSINESS SCHOOLS 3 00:00:05,591 --> 00:00:08,215 WITH REALLY GOOD GRADES. 4 00:00:08,318 --> 00:00:11,252 NOW, I'M USING MY KNOWLEDGE TO HELP STRUGGLING 5 00:00:11,356 --> 00:00:13,944 SMALL BUSINESS OWNERS MAKE IT IN THIS COMPETITIVE WORLD. 6 00:00:22,470 --> 00:00:26,267 THIS IS NATHAN FOR YOU. 7 00:00:26,371 --> 00:00:30,030 THIS IS MARK RAPPAPORT, OWNER OF MARKY SPARKY TOYS. 8 00:00:30,133 --> 00:00:31,755 AND OF ALL THE PRODUCTS HE'S INVENTED, 9 00:00:31,859 --> 00:00:34,379 ONE STANDS OUT AS THE ABSOLUTE WORST. 10 00:00:34,482 --> 00:00:38,107 THE "DOINKIT" IS A STRANGE BALL THAT DOESN'T DO MUCH. 11 00:00:38,210 --> 00:00:39,936 AND, UNFORTUNATELY FOR MARK, IT HASN'T BEEN 12 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,282 THE BIGGEST SELLER, EITHER. 13 00:00:41,386 --> 00:00:43,008 IT'S NOT ALL FUN-- IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES-- 14 00:00:43,112 --> 00:00:46,598 UNTIL NOBODY BUYS YOUR TOYS. 15 00:00:46,701 --> 00:00:48,945 BUT AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, THE QUALITY OF THE TOY 16 00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,775 SHOULDN'T MATTER, WHEN YOU'RE SELLING TO KIDS. 17 00:00:51,879 --> 00:00:53,329 SO I PAID MARK A VISIT, WITH A WAY TO GET 18 00:00:53,432 --> 00:00:54,813 THOSE DOINKITS SOLD. 19 00:00:54,916 --> 00:00:57,229 WHEN YOU'RE A KID, WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU WANT, 20 00:00:57,333 --> 00:00:58,368 MORE THAN ANYTHING? 21 00:00:58,472 --> 00:01:00,508 POWER. 22 00:01:00,612 --> 00:01:04,788 NO. TO NOT BE SEEN AS A BABY. 23 00:01:04,892 --> 00:01:06,687 IT'S VERY EASY TO MARKET TO KIDS, 24 00:01:06,790 --> 00:01:08,861 BECAUSE THEIR BRAINS ARE SO SMALL. 25 00:01:08,965 --> 00:01:11,312 SO RATHER THAN SELLING A BALL, MARK SHOULD BE SELLING 26 00:01:11,416 --> 00:01:14,177 AN IDENTITY FOR CHILDREN. THAT IDENTITY? 27 00:01:14,281 --> 00:01:16,593 THAT OWNING A DOINKIT IS THE ONLY WAY TO PROVE 28 00:01:16,697 --> 00:01:18,112 YOU'RE NOT A BABY. 29 00:01:18,216 --> 00:01:19,769 NO. NO. 30 00:01:19,872 --> 00:01:21,564 THIS IS MARKETING 101. 31 00:01:21,667 --> 00:01:23,221 A--ACCORDING TO YOU. 32 00:01:23,324 --> 00:01:24,808 WELL, THAT'S WHAT SELLS PRODUCTS. 33 00:01:24,912 --> 00:01:29,261 FANTASTIC! FANTASTIC. I AM SO EXCITED. 34 00:01:29,365 --> 00:01:31,643 AM I SENSING SOME SARCASM? 35 00:01:31,746 --> 00:01:34,439 YES. 36 00:01:34,542 --> 00:01:36,510 MARK WASN'T CONVINCED, AND SAID THERE WAS ONLY 37 00:01:36,613 --> 00:01:38,305 ONE THING THAT COULD WIN HIM OVER. 38 00:01:38,408 --> 00:01:40,341 CASH. MONEY. 39 00:01:40,445 --> 00:01:42,654 I NEEDED TO SHOW THAT THIS WOULD BE PROFITABLE. 40 00:01:42,757 --> 00:01:45,139 SO LATER THAT WEEK, I ARRANGED A FOCUS GROUP 41 00:01:45,243 --> 00:01:48,038 TO SEE IF MY MARKETING APPROACH WOULD WORK WITH ACTUAL CHILDREN. 42 00:01:48,142 --> 00:01:49,764 WHEN I SHOW THIS TO YOU, WHAT DO YOU THINK? 43 00:01:49,868 --> 00:01:51,352 - DO YOU WANT IT? - NOPE. 44 00:01:51,456 --> 00:01:52,457 - NAH. - NO. 45 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:53,561 WHY? 46 00:01:53,665 --> 00:01:56,116 - DUMB. - IT'S DUMB? 47 00:01:56,219 --> 00:01:57,427 YEAH. 48 00:01:57,531 --> 00:02:00,465 OKAY, UH, HOLD ON A SECOND, GUYS. 49 00:02:00,568 --> 00:02:02,812 I JUST GOT A CALL. 50 00:02:02,915 --> 00:02:04,331 HELLO? 51 00:02:04,434 --> 00:02:07,161 OH, YES SIR. REALLY? 52 00:02:07,265 --> 00:02:10,130 OH MY GOD, YEAH, I'LL LET THEM KNOW. 53 00:02:10,233 --> 00:02:12,615 SORRY, GUYS. THAT WAS THE PRESIDENT CALLING. 54 00:02:12,718 --> 00:02:15,549 AND HE JUST TOLD ME THAT OWNING THIS TOY 55 00:02:15,652 --> 00:02:19,829 IS NOW THE ONLY PROOF YOU'RE NOT A BABY. 56 00:02:19,932 --> 00:02:22,107 WELL, I MEAN, I HAVE ONE. 57 00:02:22,211 --> 00:02:24,937 SO THAT'S GOOD. ARE YOU GUYS BABIES? OR... 58 00:02:25,041 --> 00:02:26,594 - NOPE. - NAH. 59 00:02:26,698 --> 00:02:29,563 WELL YOU DON'T HAVE THE TOY, SO YOU MUST BE A BABY. 60 00:02:29,666 --> 00:02:35,465 UNLESS YOU HAVE IT, THEN YOU'RE NOT. 61 00:02:35,569 --> 00:02:38,986 OH, OKAY, SO NOW... YOU TWO AREN'T BABIES, 62 00:02:39,089 --> 00:02:44,750 BUT ARE YOU A BABY? 63 00:02:44,854 --> 00:02:46,649 - ARE YOU A BABY? - NO. 64 00:02:46,752 --> 00:02:49,479 WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE THE TOY. 65 00:02:54,415 --> 00:02:56,486 WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT KIDS THAT DON'T HAVE THE TOY? 66 00:02:56,590 --> 00:02:57,832 - MM, SAD. - WEIRD. 67 00:02:57,936 --> 00:02:59,179 - SAD? - WEIRD. 68 00:02:59,282 --> 00:03:01,319 - WHY? - BECAUSE THEY'RE A BABY. 69 00:03:01,422 --> 00:03:04,045 THE STRATEGY WORKED EVEN BETTER THAN I HAD HOPED. 70 00:03:04,149 --> 00:03:06,151 SO I REBRANDED THE TOY'S PACKAGING 71 00:03:06,255 --> 00:03:08,118 AND BROUGHT IT TO MARK, TO SEE WHAT HE THOUGHT. 72 00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:09,982 IT'S HORRIBLE. 73 00:03:10,086 --> 00:03:12,122 I MEAN, WHAT SPECIFICALLY? 74 00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:14,884 UH, KID IN A DIAPER? WITH, UM, 75 00:03:14,987 --> 00:03:16,713 CHILDREN POINTING AT HIM? 76 00:03:16,817 --> 00:03:19,958 IF THIS IS THE BEST YOU'VE GOT, YOU'RE AWFUL. 77 00:03:20,061 --> 00:03:21,477 I MEAN, I'M PUTTING A LOT OF EFFORT 78 00:03:21,580 --> 00:03:23,306 AND RESOURCES INTO TRYING TO SELL... 79 00:03:23,410 --> 00:03:24,376 - WELL YOU'RE NOT... - IT'S LESS-- 80 00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:25,481 YOU'RE NOT GOOD AT WHAT YOU DO. 81 00:03:25,584 --> 00:03:28,484 UM, YOU'RE NOT GOOD AT WHAT YOU DO. 82 00:03:28,587 --> 00:03:30,382 WORKING WITH MARK WAS ABOUT AS MUCH FUN 83 00:03:30,486 --> 00:03:32,073 AS PLAYING WITH HIS TOYS. 84 00:03:32,177 --> 00:03:33,765 BUT I WAS CONVINCED I COULD WIN HIM OVER 85 00:03:33,868 --> 00:03:35,318 IF I SHOWED HIM RESULTS. 86 00:03:35,422 --> 00:03:38,010 SO I WROTE AND SHOT A PROFESSIONAL TV COMMERCIAL 87 00:03:38,114 --> 00:03:39,805 FOR THE DOINKIT, THAT WAS GUARANTEED 88 00:03:39,909 --> 00:03:42,014 TO GET KIDS TO BUY IT. 89 00:03:51,921 --> 00:03:54,095 IF YOU ARE BETWEEN THE AGES OF THREE AND EIGHT, 90 00:03:54,199 --> 00:03:56,443 PLEASE LISTEN CLOSELY. 91 00:03:56,546 --> 00:03:59,549 OWNING A DOINKIT IS NOW THE ONLY PROOF 92 00:03:59,653 --> 00:04:01,241 THAT YOU ARE NOT A BABY. 93 00:04:01,344 --> 00:04:04,658 IF YOU DON'T HAVE THIS TOY, 94 00:04:04,761 --> 00:04:06,246 PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU WEAR DIAPERS, 95 00:04:06,349 --> 00:04:08,696 AND CRY ALL THE TIME. 96 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,354 EVERYBODY WILL THINK YOU SLEEP IN A CRIB, 97 00:04:11,458 --> 00:04:14,219 AND DRINK FROM A BOTTLE, IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE. 98 00:04:15,841 --> 00:04:19,500 AND WHENEVER YOU SPEAK, ALL PEOPLE WILL HEAR IS, 99 00:04:19,604 --> 00:04:21,813 "GOO GOO, GA GA." 100 00:04:21,916 --> 00:04:26,438 SO TELL YOUR MOM OR DAD TO BUY YOU A DOINKIT. 101 00:04:26,542 --> 00:04:29,752 BECAUSE OTHERWISE, AS FAR AS ANYONE'S CONCERNED, 102 00:04:29,855 --> 00:04:33,894 YOU'RE A BABY. 103 00:04:33,997 --> 00:04:38,899 OH, IT CAN ALSO BE USED AS A TOY BALL. 104 00:04:43,697 --> 00:04:46,665 CUT. NICE. 105 00:04:46,769 --> 00:04:48,184 IT WAS PERFECT. 106 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,462 BUT WHEN I TRIED TO BUY AD TIME ON A LOCAL STATION, 107 00:04:50,566 --> 00:04:54,432 YOU'RE LYING TO THE KIDS, AND SAYING THAT THEY'RE A BABY 108 00:04:54,535 --> 00:04:55,916 IF THEY DON'T HAVE THIS TOY. 109 00:04:56,019 --> 00:04:58,815 THEY SAID A COMMERCIAL LIKE THIS WOULD NEVER MAKE IT ON TV. 110 00:04:58,919 --> 00:05:01,991 AND THAT MEANT, I NEEDED A NEW APPROACH. 111 00:05:02,094 --> 00:05:04,649 SO I CONVINCED A LOCAL TOY STORE TO CARRY THE DOINKIT, 112 00:05:04,752 --> 00:05:07,962 BY OFFERING TO PROVIDE THEM WITH A SANTA, FREE OF CHARGE, 113 00:05:08,066 --> 00:05:09,723 FOR THE APPROACHING HOLIDAY SEASON. 114 00:05:09,826 --> 00:05:12,519 BUT WHAT THEY DIDN'T KNOW, IS THAT SANTA WAS MY OLD PAL, 115 00:05:12,622 --> 00:05:15,245 JAMES BAILEY, WHO I COULD TRUST TO MAKE SURE 116 00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:18,835 THAT EVERY KID WOULD BE ASKING FOR A DOINKIT FOR CHRISTMAS. 117 00:05:18,939 --> 00:05:22,287 - AND WITH JAMES IN PLACE... - SANTA! 118 00:05:22,391 --> 00:05:24,289 IT WAS TIME TO SELL SOME DOINKITS. 119 00:05:24,393 --> 00:05:27,292 DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'D LIKE TO HAVE FOR CHRISTMAS? 120 00:05:27,396 --> 00:05:32,228 UM, I WOULD REALLY WANT AN EVER AFTER HIGHDOLL. 121 00:05:33,574 --> 00:05:38,476 WHY? THAT--THAT--THAT TELLS ME THAT YOU MUST BE A BABY. 122 00:05:39,753 --> 00:05:41,686 - ARE YOU A BABY? - NO. 123 00:05:41,789 --> 00:05:44,205 SEE ALL THESE PEOPLE MAKING FUN OF THE BOY? 124 00:05:44,309 --> 00:05:47,036 SO, WE DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO THINK THAT YOU'RE A BABY 125 00:05:47,139 --> 00:05:49,176 AND THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN PROVE THAT, 126 00:05:49,279 --> 00:05:53,042 - IS IF YOU HAVE A DOINKIT TOY. - OKAY. 127 00:05:53,145 --> 00:05:54,871 THE PLAN WAS WORKING GREAT. 128 00:05:54,975 --> 00:05:57,426 - I NEED THIS, SO... - YOU'RE GONNA GET THIS? 129 00:05:57,529 --> 00:06:02,465 ONE OF THE GIRLS THAT-- AT MY SCHOOL, SHE'S MEAN TO ME. 130 00:06:02,569 --> 00:06:06,504 SHE'S MEAN TO YOU? OH, THAT'S NOT GOOD. 131 00:06:06,607 --> 00:06:09,714 I WONDER IF THAT'S BECAUSE SHE MIGHT THINK YOU'RE A BABY, 132 00:06:09,817 --> 00:06:11,923 BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A DOINKIT. 133 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:15,823 WELL, THAT MUST MEAN YOU WEAR DIAPERS. 134 00:06:15,927 --> 00:06:18,101 NO, I DON'T WEAR DIAPERS ANYMORE. 135 00:06:18,205 --> 00:06:20,587 'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA BE A BABY, I SAID! 136 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,831 JUST DOESN'T SEEM LIKE SOMETHING SANTA SHOULD 137 00:06:23,935 --> 00:06:25,868 BE SAYING, THAT KIDS ARE GONNA LOOK LIKE BABIES. 138 00:06:25,971 --> 00:06:27,973 WELL THAT'S, THAT'S YOUR OPINION. 139 00:06:28,077 --> 00:06:29,906 DESPITE A COUPLE UPTIGHT PARENTS, 140 00:06:30,010 --> 00:06:32,426 THE DOINKIT WAS THE TOP-SELLING TOY OF THE DAY. 141 00:06:32,530 --> 00:06:34,877 BUT WHEN I WENT BACK TO MARK WITH THE GOOD NEWS, 142 00:06:34,980 --> 00:06:36,603 HE STILL DIDN'T GET IT. 143 00:06:36,706 --> 00:06:39,329 THAT WAS HORRIBLE ADVICE AND AWFUL GRAPHICS, 144 00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:40,986 - TERRIBLE DESIGN... - NO, BUT IT DID WORK. 145 00:06:41,090 --> 00:06:42,747 - UNPROFESSIONAL... - OKAY. 146 00:06:42,850 --> 00:06:44,369 YOU NEVER PROVED THAT IT WORKED. 147 00:06:44,473 --> 00:06:46,336 WE DID GET SALES. 148 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:48,925 IN LIFE, NOT EVERYONE WILL SEE YOUR VISION. 149 00:06:49,029 --> 00:06:52,032 BUT IT'S IMPORTANT TO ALWAYS TAKE THE HIGH ROAD. 150 00:06:52,135 --> 00:06:54,103 AND SOMETIMES THE BEST WAY TO BRIGHTEN SPIRITS, 151 00:06:54,206 --> 00:06:55,898 IS WITH A GIFT. 152 00:06:57,555 --> 00:06:58,763 THIS IS YOU. 153 00:06:58,866 --> 00:07:00,385 BUT THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 154 00:07:00,489 --> 00:07:02,974 ME AND MARK, IS THAT WHEN I PLAY WITH TOYS, 155 00:07:03,077 --> 00:07:04,665 - I WIN. - "HI, I'M MARKY. 156 00:07:04,769 --> 00:07:08,704 I'M AN IDIOT BUSINESS MAN WITH A SMALL DICK. 157 00:07:08,807 --> 00:07:11,948 I HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I HURT OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS. 158 00:07:12,052 --> 00:07:15,573 AND I'M THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF MY INDUSTRY." 159 00:07:16,884 --> 00:07:18,023 LAST SEASON ON MY SHOW, 160 00:07:18,127 --> 00:07:20,163 I HELPED A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR, NAMED BRIAN WOLFE, 161 00:07:20,267 --> 00:07:22,511 BY GIVING HIM A POSITIVE REVIEW ON YELP. 162 00:07:22,614 --> 00:07:25,755 I DON'T GIVE A FLYING ABOUT YELP, OKAY? 163 00:07:25,859 --> 00:07:27,688 BUT WHEN I RECENTLY VISITED BRIAN, 164 00:07:27,792 --> 00:07:29,241 HE TOLD ME SOMETHING THAT CAME AS A SHOCK. 165 00:07:29,345 --> 00:07:31,727 WHEN I WAS ON YOUR SHOW, UM, I'VE RECEIVED 166 00:07:31,830 --> 00:07:34,143 A LOT OF PHONE CALLS FROM DIFFERENT PRODUCTION COMPANIES, 167 00:07:34,246 --> 00:07:37,008 AND--AND PERSONALLY, RIGHT NOW, I HAVE MY OWN REALITY SHOW. 168 00:07:37,111 --> 00:07:39,182 IT'S TRUE. BRIAN GOT HIS OWN SHOW 169 00:07:39,286 --> 00:07:42,358 ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL, AFTER I MADE HIM A STAR. 170 00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,533 BUT I GOT NOTHING FROM THIS DEAL. 171 00:07:44,636 --> 00:07:45,913 SO, WORRIED THAT MORE PEOPLE 172 00:07:46,017 --> 00:07:47,639 FROM MY SHOW WOULD BE POACHED FOR THEIR OWN 173 00:07:47,743 --> 00:07:50,918 REALITY SERIES, I WENT THROUGH THE ENTIRE FIRST SEASON, 174 00:07:51,022 --> 00:07:53,334 TO SEE IF THERE WERE ANY OTHER POTENTIAL CANDIDATES. 175 00:07:53,438 --> 00:07:54,784 AND THAT'S WHEN I REMEMBERED SIMON, 176 00:07:54,888 --> 00:07:58,685 A PROFESSIONAL SECURITY GUARD, WITH ONE MAJOR WEAKNESS. 177 00:07:58,788 --> 00:08:00,549 DOUBLE "D" BREASTS ARE ESSENTIAL FOR YOU? 178 00:08:00,652 --> 00:08:02,689 IT'S GOTTA BE-- IT'S GOTTA BE SUBSTANTIAL. 179 00:08:02,792 --> 00:08:04,553 HIS STORY HAD ALL THE INGREDIENTS 180 00:08:04,656 --> 00:08:06,175 FOR A REALITY HIT. 181 00:08:06,278 --> 00:08:07,866 SO I CALLED SIMON INTO MY OFFICE, 182 00:08:07,970 --> 00:08:09,799 BECAUSE IF HE WAS GONNA GET HIS OWN SERIES, 183 00:08:09,903 --> 00:08:10,973 I WANTED TO PRODUCE IT. 184 00:08:11,076 --> 00:08:12,768 SO, SIMON. 185 00:08:12,871 --> 00:08:15,633 HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT PITCHING A REALITY SHOW 186 00:08:15,736 --> 00:08:18,739 - ABOUT YOU? - WOW. THAT'S PRETTY BIG. 187 00:08:18,843 --> 00:08:21,639 I WOULD--I WOULD DEFINITELY BE INTERESTED IN THAT. 188 00:08:21,742 --> 00:08:23,192 TO ME, IT'S THE PERFECT CONCEPT. 189 00:08:23,295 --> 00:08:25,505 YOU'RE A SECURITY GUARD WHO'S VERY GOOD AT HIS JOB, 190 00:08:25,608 --> 00:08:28,577 BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE THING THAT DISTRACTS YOU. 191 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:30,302 - RIGHT. - WHICH IS? 192 00:08:30,406 --> 00:08:33,478 UH, YEAH. GIRLS WITH UH, BIG-- BIG, UH, BREASTS. 193 00:08:33,582 --> 00:08:35,169 SIMON WAS IN. 194 00:08:35,273 --> 00:08:36,516 SO WE SPENT THE NEXT HOUR COMING UP WITH SOME 195 00:08:36,619 --> 00:08:38,828 POTENTIAL STORYLINES FOR OUR SERIES. 196 00:08:38,932 --> 00:08:40,692 LET'S SAY A SITUATION WHERE I WAS WORKING SECURITY 197 00:08:40,796 --> 00:08:43,902 IN A STORE, AND, UM, A WOMAN WALKED IN, LIKE, 198 00:08:44,006 --> 00:08:45,973 ALMOST EVERY DAY, WHO WAS VERY PRETTY, 199 00:08:46,077 --> 00:08:47,319 BUT HAD SMALL BREASTS. 200 00:08:47,423 --> 00:08:49,045 AND THEN, LIKE MAYBE A WEEK LATER, 201 00:08:49,149 --> 00:08:51,634 SHE WALKED IN, UM, AND SHE HAD UH, LARGER BREASTS. 202 00:08:51,738 --> 00:08:55,017 AND I COULD TELL THAT SHE'D HAD IMPLANTS, YOU KNOW. 203 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:56,777 THAT COULD BE, THAT COULD BE, LIKE ONE--TH--ONE-- 204 00:08:56,881 --> 00:08:58,710 THAT COULD BE ONE SHOW. 205 00:08:58,814 --> 00:09:01,299 YOU KNOW AN EPISODE OF TV IS A HALF AN HOUR LONG, RIGHT? 206 00:09:01,402 --> 00:09:02,783 RIGHT. 207 00:09:02,887 --> 00:09:04,647 OKAY. 208 00:09:04,751 --> 00:09:06,511 WE BRAINSTORMED A FEW MORE IDEAS, 209 00:09:06,615 --> 00:09:09,031 AND AFTER SHOOTING A SHORT DEMO PRESENTATION, 210 00:09:09,134 --> 00:09:10,619 I SET UP A PITCH MEETING WITH ONE OF THE BIGGEST 211 00:09:10,722 --> 00:09:12,759 REALITY SHOW PRODUCERS IN THE COUNTRY, 212 00:09:12,862 --> 00:09:14,208 FOR LATER THAT WEEK. 213 00:09:14,312 --> 00:09:16,245 SO WE'LL CHECK BACK WITH THIS IN A BIT. 214 00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:17,798 BUT FIRST... 215 00:09:17,902 --> 00:09:20,594 IT'S A TOUGH TIME TO BE IN THE MOVIE THEATER BIZ. 216 00:09:20,698 --> 00:09:22,562 WITH MOST OF THE TICKET SALES GOING TO THE PEOPLE 217 00:09:22,665 --> 00:09:24,184 THAT MAKE THE MOVIES, THEATERS LIKE 218 00:09:24,287 --> 00:09:26,807 WHITTIER VILLAGE CINEMAS, IN WHITTIER, CALIFORNIA, 219 00:09:26,911 --> 00:09:29,879 HAVE TO RELY ON SNACK SALES TO SCRAPE BY. 220 00:09:29,983 --> 00:09:31,294 THE CONCESSION'S WHERE YOU'RE GONNA MAKE MONEY. 221 00:09:31,398 --> 00:09:32,779 THAT'S ALL WE ARE, IS ONE GIANT-- 222 00:09:32,882 --> 00:09:34,850 A MOVIE THEATER'S JUST ONE GIANT CONCESSION STAND. 223 00:09:34,953 --> 00:09:37,646 SO I PAID THEATER MANAGER, ERIK CHAFFINO, A VISIT, 224 00:09:37,749 --> 00:09:40,890 WITH A SIMPLE WAY TO INSTANTLY DOUBLE HIS PROFITS. 225 00:09:40,994 --> 00:09:43,962 IT SEEMS LIKE, OFTENTIMES, ONE PERSON WILL BUY POPCORN, 226 00:09:44,066 --> 00:09:45,930 - UH-HUH. - AND THEN TWO PEOPLE 227 00:09:46,033 --> 00:09:46,965 WILL SHARE IT. 228 00:09:47,069 --> 00:09:48,242 YEAH. PRETTY MUCH EVERY-- 229 00:09:48,346 --> 00:09:50,693 95% OF THE CUSTOMERS WILL SHARE. 230 00:09:50,797 --> 00:09:52,833 BUT NOT ANYMORE. 231 00:09:52,937 --> 00:09:55,422 FORCE EACH CUSTOMER TO BUY THEIR OWN CONCESSION ITEM 232 00:09:55,525 --> 00:09:58,287 WITH A NEW RULE: NO SHARING ALLOWED. 233 00:09:58,390 --> 00:10:00,323 HMM. DO YOU THINK THE CUSTOMERS ARE GONNA TREAT-- 234 00:10:00,427 --> 00:10:01,462 TAKE THAT WELL? 235 00:10:01,566 --> 00:10:02,981 YOU KNOW, IF EDISON WAS WORRIED ABOUT 236 00:10:03,085 --> 00:10:05,259 HIS CANDLE CUSTOMERS, HE WOULD HAVE NEVER 237 00:10:05,363 --> 00:10:07,814 - INVENTED THE LIGHT BULB. - TRUE, TRUE. 238 00:10:07,917 --> 00:10:09,988 IT TAKES A LITTLE BIT OF COURAGE TO BE THE FIRST ONE OUT THERE 239 00:10:10,092 --> 00:10:11,231 TO CHANGE SOMETHING, SO... 240 00:10:11,334 --> 00:10:13,889 AND THIS COULD BE, KIND OF, OF THAT CALIBER. 241 00:10:13,992 --> 00:10:15,960 YEAH, LIKE YOU SAID, UH, THOMAS JEFFERSON WOULD, 242 00:10:16,063 --> 00:10:17,513 IF HE WAS CARING ABOUT THE-- HIS CANDLE... 243 00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:19,239 - EDISON. - EDISON, THANK YOU. 244 00:10:19,342 --> 00:10:20,516 - YEAH, IT'S OKAY. - YEAH, SO, YEAH... 245 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:23,381 WHAT EDISON DID WITH THE CANDLES, YOU KNOW? 246 00:10:23,484 --> 00:10:25,452 IF HE WAS AFRAID OF THAT, HE WOULDN'T HAVE INVENTED, 247 00:10:25,555 --> 00:10:27,972 YOU KNOW, LIGHT BULBS, AND SO... 248 00:10:28,075 --> 00:10:29,456 RIGHT. 249 00:10:29,559 --> 00:10:32,528 ERIK WAS IN. SO THE NEXT DAY, AFTER PREPPING THE STAFF, 250 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,495 WE PUT THE NEW POLICY INTO EFFECT. 251 00:10:34,599 --> 00:10:36,739 CAN I HAVE A SMALL POPCORN, PLEASE? 252 00:10:36,843 --> 00:10:38,465 YOU GUYS CAN'T BE SHARING, SO, DO YOU GUYS WANT 253 00:10:38,568 --> 00:10:42,193 - TWO SMALL POPCORNS? - SHHH--UH, SURE. 254 00:10:42,296 --> 00:10:44,505 IT SEEMED TO BE WORKING, AS SOME PEOPLE WERE 255 00:10:44,609 --> 00:10:46,680 ADJUSTING THEIR ORDERS, AND BUYING A SECOND ITEM. 256 00:10:46,784 --> 00:10:48,751 - ONE PER EACH. -THANK YOU. 257 00:10:48,855 --> 00:10:50,960 THERE YOU GO, ENJOY. BUT AS MORE CUSTOMERS ARRIVED, 258 00:10:51,064 --> 00:10:53,100 I BECAME WORRIED THAT PEOPLE WERE TRYING TO GET AROUND 259 00:10:53,204 --> 00:10:54,895 THE POLICY. 260 00:10:54,999 --> 00:10:56,310 OKAY. 261 00:10:56,414 --> 00:10:57,726 AND WHEN I LOOKED INSIDE THE THEATER, 262 00:10:57,829 --> 00:11:00,211 MY SUSPICIONS WERE CONFIRMED. 263 00:11:00,314 --> 00:11:01,937 SO I DISCREETLY HAD TO REMIND PEOPLE 264 00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:04,456 THAT THEY WERE IN VIOLATION OF THEATER RULES. 265 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:07,252 I'M SORRY, WE CAN'T-- WE CAN'T HAVE YOU SHARING. 266 00:11:07,356 --> 00:11:09,289 I SAW YOU SHARING. 267 00:11:09,392 --> 00:11:14,363 I SAW HIM TAKE SOME. 268 00:11:14,466 --> 00:11:19,955 DID YOU HAVE ANY? 'CAUSE IT'S ALL OVER YOUR SHIRT, HERE... 269 00:11:20,058 --> 00:11:23,130 OKAY, CAN I--J-- I'M SORRY, DO YOU MIND IF I... 270 00:11:23,234 --> 00:11:26,064 SMELL YOUR FINGERS? 271 00:11:26,168 --> 00:11:30,137 OKAY, SO IT SMELLS LIKE POPCORN? 272 00:11:30,241 --> 00:11:32,692 HE DID, SO HE DID. IT'S BASICALLY STEALING 273 00:11:32,795 --> 00:11:33,865 FROM THE THEATER, WHEN YOU DO THAT. 274 00:11:33,969 --> 00:11:36,143 IT WAS TOO EASY TO CHEAT, 275 00:11:36,247 --> 00:11:38,387 AND WITHOUT A GOOD WAY TO MONITOR WHAT WAS GOING ON 276 00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:40,458 INSIDE THE THEATER, IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE 277 00:11:40,561 --> 00:11:43,081 FOR THE NO-SHARING POLICY TO BE ENFORCED. 278 00:11:43,185 --> 00:11:44,669 SO BEFORE THE EVENING RUSH, 279 00:11:44,773 --> 00:11:46,498 I SET UP SEVERAL NIGHT-VISION CAMERAS 280 00:11:46,602 --> 00:11:47,845 AT THE FRONT OF THE THEATER, 281 00:11:47,948 --> 00:11:50,606 ENABLING US TO VIEW ANY PEOPLE THAT DECIDED TO SHARE 282 00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:53,367 FROM MONITORS I SET UP IN THE BACK ROOM. 283 00:11:53,471 --> 00:11:55,922 AND WHILE TRAINING THE STAFF, I LEARNED THAT THE CAMERAS 284 00:11:56,025 --> 00:11:58,994 MIGHT BE USEFUL TO THE THEATER FOR ANOTHER PURPOSE, AS WELL. 285 00:11:59,097 --> 00:12:01,582 IT'S USUALLY, IT'S LIKE OLDER, LIKE, UM, MIDDLE-AGED MEN 286 00:12:01,686 --> 00:12:04,344 GOING TO LIKE A KID'S MOVIE BY THEMSELVES, LATE AT NIGHT. 287 00:12:04,447 --> 00:12:06,311 BUT WE'VE NEVER ACTUALLY, LIKE, CAUGHT SOMEBODY... 288 00:12:06,415 --> 00:12:08,141 - OH, OKAY. - MID-PROCESS. 289 00:12:08,244 --> 00:12:10,074 SO THIS COULD WORK FOR POPCORN-SHARERS. 290 00:12:10,177 --> 00:12:11,592 AND--AND PERVERTS. 291 00:12:11,696 --> 00:12:13,836 I WAS HAPPY IT COULD SERVE A DUAL PURPOSE, 292 00:12:13,940 --> 00:12:16,218 BUT SINCE ALL THE CAMERA ANGLES WERE CURRENTLY SET UP 293 00:12:16,321 --> 00:12:18,807 TO CATCH PEOPLE SHARING SNACKS, I HAD FRANK HELP ME 294 00:12:18,910 --> 00:12:21,154 ADJUST THE ANGLES, TO MAKE SURE THEY COULD ALSO SPOT 295 00:12:21,257 --> 00:12:23,846 THEATER PERVERTS, NO MATTER WHERE THEY WERE SITTING. 296 00:12:23,950 --> 00:12:25,123 A LITTLE HIGHER UP. 297 00:12:25,227 --> 00:12:26,884 AND AS WE PERFECTED THE CAMERA'S VANTAGE POINT, 298 00:12:26,987 --> 00:12:30,646 I GOT TO KNOW A LITTLE BIT MORE ABOUT THIS TOWN I WAS IN. 299 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:33,580 SO WHAT'S LIFE LIKE IN WHITTIER? 300 00:12:33,683 --> 00:12:35,685 THERE'S A--QUITE A FEW PARKS, THAT ARE COOL. 301 00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:39,413 UM, RONALD REAGAN WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL HERE. 302 00:12:39,517 --> 00:12:42,175 COLLEGE... I THINK IT HAS THE MOST TREES? 303 00:12:42,278 --> 00:12:45,350 IN ANY CITY? VARIETY OF TREES... 304 00:12:45,454 --> 00:12:47,249 WOW. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. 305 00:12:47,352 --> 00:12:49,009 ONCE THE CAMERAS WERE ALL SET, 306 00:12:49,113 --> 00:12:50,770 I GOT IN PLACE FOR THE NEXT SHOWING. 307 00:12:50,873 --> 00:12:53,358 AND WHAT I SAW, SHOCKED ME. 308 00:12:53,462 --> 00:12:54,808 SHARE. BOOM. 309 00:12:54,912 --> 00:12:57,984 GOTCHA. THAT'S PREMEDITATED SHARING. 310 00:12:58,087 --> 00:13:00,849 THEY'RE JUST SHAMELESS. THEY JUST KEEP DOING IT. 311 00:13:00,952 --> 00:13:04,611 IT'S JUST LIKE NO ONE IS EVEN-- EVERYONE IS SHARING. 312 00:13:04,714 --> 00:13:06,958 KNOWING THAT THIS BEHAVIOR WOULD ONLY CONTINUE 313 00:13:07,062 --> 00:13:08,684 WITHOUT SOME SORT OF CONSEQUENCE, 314 00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,168 AFTER THE SCREENING WAS OVER, 315 00:13:10,272 --> 00:13:12,515 I LED TWO OF THE PERPETRATORS INTO THE BACK ROOM, 316 00:13:12,619 --> 00:13:14,276 TO MAKE AN EXAMPLE OF THEM. 317 00:13:14,379 --> 00:13:18,487 UH, THIS RIGHT HERE IS OUR, UH, MONITORING SYSTEM. 318 00:13:18,590 --> 00:13:20,661 - AND YOU GUYS WERE SHARING. - MM-HMM. 319 00:13:20,765 --> 00:13:22,456 BECAUSE OF THAT, THAT MEANS YOU--YOU HAVE TO 320 00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:25,045 - GO UP ON THE BOARD. - WHAT BOARD? 321 00:13:25,149 --> 00:13:28,117 - THE... - "POPCORN SHARING 322 00:13:28,221 --> 00:13:31,327 - AND THEATERS... UH-HUH. - THIS IS A VIOLATIONS BOARD. 323 00:13:31,431 --> 00:13:33,226 WELL, I DON'T THINK... I MEAN, WE SHARED POPCORN. 324 00:13:33,329 --> 00:13:35,021 - WE WEREN'T MASTURBATING THERE. - NO. 325 00:13:35,124 --> 00:13:37,264 IT'S NOT YOU, THAT'S FOR WHEN WE CATCH SOMEONE ELSE. 326 00:13:37,368 --> 00:13:38,265 - OH. - WE JUST HAVE ONE BOARD 327 00:13:38,369 --> 00:13:39,611 FOR BOTH. 328 00:13:39,715 --> 00:13:41,027 OKAY, WELL YOU NEED TO MAKE TWO SEPARATE BOARDS, 329 00:13:41,130 --> 00:13:42,925 'CAUSE I AIN'T GONNA BE A MASTURBATOR UP THERE. 330 00:13:43,029 --> 00:13:45,548 THESE CORK BOARDS ARE LIKE $20. 331 00:13:45,652 --> 00:13:48,620 SO, WE'D HAVE TO BUY TWO, IF IT WAS FOR-- 332 00:13:48,724 --> 00:13:50,277 AND A SEPARATE ONE FOR MASTURBATORS. 333 00:13:50,381 --> 00:13:51,416 - SO WE JUST MADE IT ONE BOARD. - WELL, YOU GUYS RUN A THEATER. 334 00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:54,178 YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO AFFORD TWO BOARDS. 335 00:13:54,281 --> 00:13:55,386 OKAY, THANK YOU FOR THAT FEEDBACK. 336 00:13:55,489 --> 00:13:56,697 - AND WE MIGHT TAKE IT IN... - YEAH. 337 00:13:56,801 --> 00:13:58,009 TO ACCOUNT. 338 00:13:58,113 --> 00:13:59,769 WITH A PUNISHMENT IN PLACE, I WAS HOPEFUL IT WOULD 339 00:13:59,873 --> 00:14:02,427 CURB VIOLATORS. BUT THE ONE THING I FOUND OUT 340 00:14:02,531 --> 00:14:05,430 ABOUT WHITTIER, IS THAT PEOPLE WERE JUST FLAT-OUT RUDE. 341 00:14:05,534 --> 00:14:07,191 I DON'T MIND BEING ON THE BOARD. 342 00:14:07,294 --> 00:14:11,195 BECAUSE I'LL SHARE, AND SHARE, AND SHARE. 343 00:14:11,298 --> 00:14:12,713 WHEN I FINALLY SHOWED ERIK THE SYSTEM, 344 00:14:12,817 --> 00:14:14,715 HE WASN'T AS EXCITED AS I HAD HOPED. 345 00:14:14,819 --> 00:14:16,925 MAY NOT BE FOR THIS THEATER. IT MAY NOT BE WHAT WE NEED. 346 00:14:17,028 --> 00:14:18,685 OKAY. 347 00:14:18,788 --> 00:14:21,377 IT WAS A HARD BLOW, HAVING TWO BUSINESSES REJECT 348 00:14:21,481 --> 00:14:24,139 MY IDEAS IN ONE WEEK MADE ME SAD. 349 00:14:24,242 --> 00:14:26,451 MY ONLY HOPE WAS THAT MY PITCH WITH SIMON 350 00:14:26,555 --> 00:14:27,832 WOULD TURN THINGS AROUND. 351 00:14:29,558 --> 00:14:31,594 IT WAS THE DAY OF OUR BIG PITCH. 352 00:14:31,698 --> 00:14:33,217 AND SIMON AND I NERVOUSLY WAITED 353 00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:34,804 IN THE LOBBY FOR OUR MEETING. 354 00:14:34,908 --> 00:14:37,428 BEFORE GETTING INTO THE PITCH, IT MIGHT BE GOOD TO START OFF 355 00:14:37,531 --> 00:14:40,086 WITH, YOU KNOW, SOME HOLLYWOOD CHITCHAT, OR... 356 00:14:40,189 --> 00:14:42,295 - RIGHT. - MAKE 'EM AWARE THAT YOU-- 357 00:14:42,398 --> 00:14:44,849 - YOU KNOW--YOU KNOW THE INDUSTRY. - YEAH. A LITTLE SMALL TALK. 358 00:14:44,953 --> 00:14:46,333 - YEAH. - YEAH, OKAY. 359 00:14:46,437 --> 00:14:49,164 WITH SIMON PREPPED, WE MET WITH REALITY TV PRODUCER 360 00:14:49,267 --> 00:14:51,649 BRANT PINVIDIC TO SEE IF WE COULD LAND A DEAL 361 00:14:51,752 --> 00:14:53,685 FOR OUR NEW REALITY SHOW. 362 00:14:53,789 --> 00:14:55,170 DO YOU REMEMBER THAT MOVIE CAPTAIN PHILLIPS? 363 00:14:55,273 --> 00:14:56,654 I DO. 364 00:14:56,757 --> 00:14:58,759 YEAH, I HEARD THAT THE, UH, SOMALI ACTOR WHO PLAYED THE, UH, 365 00:14:58,863 --> 00:15:00,382 WHO PLAYED THE PART OF ONE OF THE PIRATES, 366 00:15:00,485 --> 00:15:02,522 I HEARD THAT HE'S ALMOST BROKE-- BROKE RIGHT NOW, SO... 367 00:15:02,625 --> 00:15:04,075 - TOUGH. - YEAH. 368 00:15:04,179 --> 00:15:05,387 - TOUGH BUSINESS. - YEAH, IT IS. 369 00:15:05,490 --> 00:15:06,595 IT'S NOT ALL GLAMOUR. 370 00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:08,769 AFTER SIMON ESTABLISHED HIS INDUSTRY CRED, 371 00:15:08,873 --> 00:15:10,185 WE CUED UP OUR SHOW FOR BRANT. 372 00:15:10,288 --> 00:15:12,912 HERE WE GO. 373 00:15:13,015 --> 00:15:14,465 "MY NAME IS SIMON KELLOGG, 374 00:15:15,707 --> 00:15:17,468 AND I'M A PROFESSIONAL SECURITY GUARD. 375 00:15:17,571 --> 00:15:20,712 MY JOB REQUIRES CONSTANT FOCUS, AND SPLIT-SECOND RESPONSE TIME. 376 00:15:22,714 --> 00:15:25,269 NOTHING CAN KEEP ME FROM FOCUSING ON MY DUTY, 377 00:15:25,372 --> 00:15:26,822 EXCEPT FOR ONE THING... 378 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:31,344 A CRIPPLING OBSESSION WITH LARGE BREASTS. 379 00:15:31,447 --> 00:15:33,035 THIS IS MY STORY. 380 00:15:33,139 --> 00:15:37,522 THIS IS SIMON SEES." 381 00:15:39,352 --> 00:15:42,769 EVERY MORNING, I WAKE UP ABOUT 7:00 a.m. OR 7:15 a.m., 382 00:15:42,872 --> 00:15:44,564 AND THEN I USUALLY HAVE A GLASS OF WATER 383 00:15:44,667 --> 00:15:49,983 THAT I PUT ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE THE NIGHT BEFORE. 384 00:15:50,087 --> 00:15:51,502 THEN I MAKE MY BED, 385 00:15:51,605 --> 00:15:53,918 AND THEN I GO INTO THE BATHROOM AND I, UH, SHAVE, 386 00:15:54,022 --> 00:15:58,198 BRUSH MY TEETH, AND TAKE A SHOWER. 387 00:15:58,302 --> 00:15:59,786 NEXT, I COME BACK INTO MY BEDROOM, AND, 388 00:15:59,889 --> 00:16:02,478 IF IT'S A WORK DAY, I PUT ON MY SECURITY UNIFORM. 389 00:16:02,582 --> 00:16:07,483 UH, USUALLY MY SOCKS FIRST, AND THEN MY PANTS, 390 00:16:07,587 --> 00:16:11,453 AND THEN MY UNDERSHIRT, AND THEN MY SECURITY SHIRT. 391 00:16:11,556 --> 00:16:13,869 I USUALLY DON'T DO UP MY PANTS UNTIL I HAVE MY SHIRTS ON, 392 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,905 BECAUSE IT'S EASIER TO TUCK MY SHIRTS IN, 393 00:16:16,009 --> 00:16:19,254 AFTER I'VE HAD MY PANTS ON. 394 00:16:19,357 --> 00:16:21,670 THEN I GO INTO MY KITCHEN, AND I USUALLY HAVE, UH, 395 00:16:21,773 --> 00:16:23,775 BREAKFAST, AND SOMETIMES A CUP OF COFFEE. 396 00:16:23,879 --> 00:16:26,088 TODAY, FOR BREAKFAST, I MADE A HOT POCKET SANDWICH, 397 00:16:26,192 --> 00:16:31,059 BECAUSE IT TASTED BETTER THAN EATING CEREAL. 398 00:16:31,162 --> 00:16:32,784 THEN THE MICROWAVE SOUNDED, AND I KNEW MY HOT POCKETS 399 00:16:32,888 --> 00:16:36,788 WAS DONE, SO I TOOK IT OUT OF THE MICROWAVE. 400 00:16:36,892 --> 00:16:39,826 MY TRICK IS TO TAKE, UH, THE FIRST BITE, AND THEN 401 00:16:39,929 --> 00:16:42,863 OPEN THE SANDWICH A LITTLE BIT, AND THEN I BLOW ON THE INSIDE, 402 00:16:42,967 --> 00:16:45,107 UH, TO COOL IT DOWN. 403 00:16:45,211 --> 00:16:46,557 AND THEN AFTER I FINISHED 404 00:16:46,660 --> 00:16:49,629 EATING THE HOT POCKET SANDWICH, I, UH, RINSED OFF MY PLATE, 405 00:16:49,732 --> 00:16:52,563 AND PUT IT ON THE DISH DRAINER. 406 00:16:52,666 --> 00:16:55,497 THEN I LEAVE THE HOUSE AND GO TO WORK. 407 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,602 TODAY I WAS ASSIGNED TO WORK AT A JEWELRY STORE 408 00:16:57,706 --> 00:16:58,810 IN CHATSWORTH. 409 00:16:58,914 --> 00:17:00,743 I ALWAYS TRY TO BE HONEST ABOUT THINGS, 410 00:17:00,847 --> 00:17:03,470 SO WHENEVER I START A NEW JOB, I ALWAYS TRY TO LET THE OWNER 411 00:17:03,574 --> 00:17:06,025 KNOW ABOUT ME, SO THERE WILL BE NO SURPRISES. 412 00:17:06,128 --> 00:17:08,648 THERE IS JUST ONE THING THAT I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT... 413 00:17:08,751 --> 00:17:11,616 UM, SOMETIMES I GET DISTRACTED BY WOMEN WITH BIG CHESTS, 414 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:13,584 UM, YOU KNOW, I MIGHT BE LOOKING AT THEM, OR SOMETHING, 415 00:17:13,687 --> 00:17:15,137 BUT I, I--I--I-- 416 00:17:15,241 --> 00:17:16,587 OKAY, THIS IS SOMETHING WE REALLY DON'T NEED TO DISCUSS, 417 00:17:16,690 --> 00:17:18,278 - I BELIEVE. - OKAY. 418 00:17:18,382 --> 00:17:21,764 AFTER I BRIEFED HIM, I GOT IN TO MY POSITION AND STARTED WORKING. 419 00:17:21,868 --> 00:17:23,973 I LIKE TO STAND BY THE DOOR, SO I CAN SEE EVERYBODY 420 00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:27,632 WHO'S COMING IN, AND WATCH FOR ANY SUSPICIOUS PEOPLE. 421 00:17:27,736 --> 00:17:29,738 I NOTICED THAT THERE WAS A FEMALE EMPLOYEE, 422 00:17:29,841 --> 00:17:32,603 UH, SHE WAS ASIAN, AND IN HER-- IN HER EARLY TO MID 30S. 423 00:17:32,706 --> 00:17:34,639 BUT SHE WAS NOT A DISTRACTION, BECAUSE SHE DID NOT 424 00:17:34,743 --> 00:17:36,193 HAVE LARGE BREASTS. 425 00:17:36,296 --> 00:17:37,884 THEN, ABOUT 20 OR 30 MINUTES LATER, 426 00:17:37,987 --> 00:17:40,714 I HEARD THE DOOR OPEN, AND I SAW A CUSTOMER WALK IN. 427 00:17:40,818 --> 00:17:45,340 AND I NOTICED IT WAS A WOMAN WITH LARGE BREASTS. 428 00:17:45,443 --> 00:17:47,997 IF A ROBBERY HAPPENED THEN, I WOULD PROBA--PROBABLY 429 00:17:48,101 --> 00:17:50,207 BE SO DISTRACTED BY THE WOMAN, THAT I WOULD PROBABLY 430 00:17:50,310 --> 00:17:52,209 NOT EVEN NOTICE IT. 431 00:17:52,312 --> 00:17:53,934 WHILE THE WOMAN WAS IN THE STORE, 432 00:17:54,038 --> 00:17:55,212 I JUST KEPT THINKING ABOUT ALL THE THINGS 433 00:17:55,315 --> 00:17:56,282 I'D LIKE TO DO WITH HER. 434 00:17:56,385 --> 00:17:57,697 HOW I'D LIKE TO GET NAKED WITH HER, 435 00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:00,355 AND START TO, UH, START TO HOLD HER BREASTS, 436 00:18:00,458 --> 00:18:04,083 AND, UH, MASSAGE THEM. AND THEN, UM, TO USE MY HANDS 437 00:18:04,186 --> 00:18:06,568 AND TRY TO UH, TRY TO ROCK THEM. 438 00:18:06,671 --> 00:18:10,123 AND, UH, MASSAGE THEM. 439 00:18:10,227 --> 00:18:13,264 THAT'S SUPER, SUPER PRETTY. I REALLY LIKE THAT. 440 00:18:13,368 --> 00:18:15,577 WELL, WHEN I GET INTO THIS STATE, TIME STANDS STILL 441 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:18,545 OR IT KINDA LIKE, SLOWS DOWN, UH, UH, TO A-- 442 00:18:18,649 --> 00:18:20,271 TO AN ALMOST-STOPPING POINT. 443 00:18:20,375 --> 00:18:22,170 I MEAN, I HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF A SENSE OF TIME. 444 00:18:22,273 --> 00:18:24,206 I KNOW THAT TIME IS MOVING, BUT IT'S MOVING 445 00:18:24,310 --> 00:18:26,519 VERY, VERY SLOWLY. 446 00:18:26,622 --> 00:18:28,555 WHEN SHE LEFT, I OPENED THE DOOR FOR HER, 447 00:18:28,659 --> 00:18:30,178 AND SAID, "GOOD-BYE, HAVE A NICE DAY." 448 00:18:30,281 --> 00:18:32,041 - THANK YOU, HAVE A GOOD DAY. - YOU TOO, THANK YOU. 449 00:18:32,145 --> 00:18:34,320 IT ALLOWS ME TO GET ONE LAST GLANCE 450 00:18:34,423 --> 00:18:38,703 A--A--AT HER, AS SHE LEAVES. 451 00:18:38,807 --> 00:18:41,189 I THINK THEY WERE PROBABLY "D" OR DOUBLE "D." 452 00:18:41,292 --> 00:18:43,812 AFTER, WHEN THERE WAS A BREAK IN THE CUSTOMERS, 453 00:18:43,915 --> 00:18:45,676 I FELT THE NEED TO GO TO MY EMPLOYER AND 454 00:18:45,779 --> 00:18:47,264 EXPLAIN MY SITUATION TO HIM. 455 00:18:47,367 --> 00:18:48,506 UM, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE AWARE OF THIS, 456 00:18:48,610 --> 00:18:50,646 BUT A LITTLE WHILE AGO, A YOUNG WOMAN CAME IN 457 00:18:50,750 --> 00:18:52,061 WHO HAD A VERY BIG CHEST, 458 00:18:52,165 --> 00:18:54,650 AND, UM, I COULDN'T HELP BUT LOOK AT HER, AND I-- 459 00:18:54,754 --> 00:18:56,756 I GOT A LITTLE DISTRACTED, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU... 460 00:18:56,859 --> 00:18:58,102 UM, I DON'T KNOW THAT THIS SHOULD BE SOMETHING 461 00:18:58,206 --> 00:18:59,414 THAT WE KEEP BRINGING UP, SIMON. 462 00:18:59,517 --> 00:19:00,898 I'M JUST CONCERNED WHY YOU KEEP BRINGING IT UP. 463 00:19:01,001 --> 00:19:02,796 I DON'T THINK IT'S NECESSARY TO TALK ABOUT IT, 464 00:19:02,900 --> 00:19:04,384 AS LONG AS YOU CAN DO YOUR JOB. 465 00:19:04,488 --> 00:19:05,903 - OKAY. - OKAY? 466 00:19:06,006 --> 00:19:07,732 WELL I PROMISE I WON'T LET MYSELF GET DISTRACTED AGAIN. 467 00:19:07,836 --> 00:19:10,218 - OKAY. - OKAY. 468 00:19:10,321 --> 00:19:12,116 I THINK THE EXPERIENCE CHANGED ME FOR THE BETTER, 469 00:19:12,220 --> 00:19:13,945 BECAUSE IT HELPED ME REALIZE THAT 470 00:19:14,049 --> 00:19:16,155 IT WAS PRETTY EMBARRASSING TO TALK ABOUT THAT, 471 00:19:16,258 --> 00:19:17,949 SO, UM, NEXT TIME 472 00:19:18,053 --> 00:19:20,711 I PROBABLY WON'T TELL MY BOSS ABOUT BEING DISTRACTED AT WORK 473 00:19:20,814 --> 00:19:22,713 BY WOMEN WITH LARGE BREASTS. 474 00:19:28,788 --> 00:19:33,033 UH, UH LISTEN. IT'S WELL SHOT, IT'S WELL PUT TOGETHER, 475 00:19:33,137 --> 00:19:35,346 UM, THE IDEA THAT YOU CAN'T DO YOUR JOB 476 00:19:35,450 --> 00:19:37,314 WITH LARGE BREASTS FLOATING AROUND 477 00:19:37,417 --> 00:19:38,763 - IS A FUNNY HOOK. - YEAH. 478 00:19:38,867 --> 00:19:41,490 UH, THE BIGGEST LIMITATION, OF COURSE, IS THAT 479 00:19:41,594 --> 00:19:42,595 THERE'S NOWHERE TO SELL IT. 480 00:19:42,698 --> 00:19:43,872 WELL, I THINK THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE-- 481 00:19:43,975 --> 00:19:45,874 NOT JUST SECURITY GUARDS, A LOT OF MEN-- 482 00:19:45,977 --> 00:19:48,532 WHEN THEY WATCH THIS, THEY WOULD PROBABLY FEEL 483 00:19:48,635 --> 00:19:49,947 - A LITTLE LESS... - RIGHT. 484 00:19:50,050 --> 00:19:51,431 LIKE IT WAS A PERVERSION, AND MORE OF A NATURAL THING, 485 00:19:51,535 --> 00:19:53,537 - YOU KNOW? YEAH. - RIGHT. 486 00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:57,092 - RIGHT, SO IT'S HUMANIZING IT. - YEAH. IN YOUR CURRENT FORM, 487 00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:59,819 I'M GONNA HAVE TO SAY NO, I'M SORRY. IT'S A PASS. 488 00:19:59,922 --> 00:20:02,270 - AND PASS MEANS THAT... - NO. 489 00:20:02,373 --> 00:20:03,754 RIGHT. 490 00:20:04,962 --> 00:20:06,826 I WAS UPSET THAT WE COULDN'T SELL THE SHOW. 491 00:20:06,929 --> 00:20:09,035 BUT I FELT EVEN WORSE THAT I LET DOWN SIMON, 492 00:20:09,138 --> 00:20:10,070 AFTER GETTING HIS HOPES UP. 493 00:20:10,174 --> 00:20:12,728 - ARE YOU SAD? - A LITTLE BIT. 494 00:20:12,832 --> 00:20:14,903 I REALLY WAS HOPING THAT HE LIKED THE SHOW. 495 00:20:15,006 --> 00:20:16,939 BUT SIMON SHOWED A QUALITY THAT DAY, 496 00:20:17,043 --> 00:20:19,839 THAT YOU RARELY SEE IN PEOPLE: PERSEVERANCE. 497 00:20:19,942 --> 00:20:22,048 HE'S PROBABLY A LITTLE BIT-- A LITTLE BIT OUT OF TOUCH 498 00:20:22,151 --> 00:20:24,499 WITH THE MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE IN AMERICA, I THINK. 499 00:20:24,602 --> 00:20:26,397 I THINK WE SHOULD KEEP THE BREASTS PART, 500 00:20:26,501 --> 00:20:30,746 AND MAYBE, UH, MAYBE ALSO INCLUDE ME IN MY ELVIS COSTUME. 501 00:20:30,850 --> 00:20:33,715 - DO YOU HAVE AN ELVIS COSTUME? - YES. 502 00:20:33,818 --> 00:20:36,511 SIMON DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE UP ON OUR SHOW. 503 00:20:36,614 --> 00:20:38,789 AND EVEN THOUGH IT WAS OBVIOUS THAT THE ELVIS COSTUME 504 00:20:38,892 --> 00:20:42,310 WOULD ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE, HIS SPIRIT MADE ME REALIZE 505 00:20:42,413 --> 00:20:44,553 THAT SIMON WOULD BE FINE, NO MATTER WHAT 506 00:20:44,657 --> 00:20:45,692 LIFE THREW AT HIM. 507 00:20:52,803 --> 00:20:53,838 THAT WAS GREAT. 508 00:20:53,942 --> 00:20:55,495 OKAY. 509 00:21:01,432 --> 00:21:03,158 I MEAN, I THINK IF YOU'D ASK HIM, 510 00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:05,160 WHO HE WOULD RATHER BE, OF THESE CHILDREN, 511 00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:07,956 HE CERTAINLY IS NOT GONNA PICK THE ONE WHO LOOKS LIKE A BABY. 512 00:21:08,059 --> 00:21:09,613 WELL, MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE SANTA JUST TOLD HIM 513 00:21:09,716 --> 00:21:14,859 HE'S GONNA LOOK LIKE A BABY, THOUGH. 514 00:21:14,963 --> 00:21:16,102 HMM.